On Mixed Emotions

My US project manager set an urgent meeting unexpectedly. There was no agenda in his meeting invite. That was likely of him but it was unlikely of him not to wait for our confirmation or availability. Having no agenda caused speculations – we are expanding, thoughts of onshore or layoff.

Apparently, one of our assumptions hit the spot. Due to the current situation of the economics, our client decided to stop their engagement with us. When my superiors announced the news, I did not know how to react. Deep inside I was happy because honestly I think I have learned what I can learn from the project. In addition, I cannot see myself doing what I am doing any longer. However, I cannot show how overjoyed I am since we lost a client without our own doing. Therefore, I just kept my mouth shut and acted that I was lost for words

3rd Year Anniv

Yesterday marked my third year of being a corporate slave for this company. Who would have thought I would have lasted another 365 days after my 2 year bond? It is not as if I am not looking for greener pastures. So what am I still doing here?

Is it about time to give up my wishful thinking that I would eventually get a break? Do I have the courage to leave the safe premises of my office? Do I have the strength to get out of my daily routine? Can I handle the anxiety of building new set of friends?

Then again, maybe I am still happy with my current situation. Things can be worse. At least I have a job that is flexible and pays well compared to others. I still have a life outside work. I have built a good set of relationships which is hard to abandon.

So what am I supposed to do? I better make up my mind… sooner or later I might just find myself with a new pen if I do not take any action.

Assuming!

One of my daily routines when I wake up is to check my phone for messages, things to do and miscalls. For the past few days I noticed that there was always a missed call from one person. These calls usually came in at 4 in the morning. Since I am constantly rushing for work, I never had the opportunity to ask what the person needed.

The other night I cannot seem to fall asleep. I decided to tinker my phone so sleep would catch me and that was when I remembered the missed calls. So I rang the number to catch if I got the right one. It rang and he rang back. Then we exchanged messages:

Just noticed your call the other day now. Hahahaha! Sabog mehn. Whats up?
Let me go straight to the point ***. Do you miss me?
See, you can’t even answer. I still love you still ***. Like what you still feel.
Hah? Sorry… fell asleep. What are you talking about? May we talk about whatever this is some other time?
Whatever ***. Whatever!
Whats your problem?
Problem? You!
What did I do? Elaborate!
Fishin!
Ay ewan! Anlabo mo. Kausapin mo nalang ulit ako kung matino at handa ka na. Adios!
Yabang! Activate your sun.
Aba, at ako pa ang naging mayabang. Dont have my sun for months na
Do you still love me ***? Like I still do?
No.
Why?
There is no answer to that question cause I never did.
Whatever ***. Adios. ***, I’m in love with you. But if the feeling is not mutual, it’s non sense.
My gosh! Are you drugs? You just don’t reappear out of nowhere and act like how you are acting right now. How lame can you get? Just a waste of you time, k? Adios!
Would you love me and be my girl ***?

Seriously, how desperate can one get? I am not that naïve not to know that he had some sort of feelings towards me. But hello, that was ages ago! And I never did return whatever he showed towards me. Hindi ko siya hinali. Why are guys so assuming?!?

On "Accidents"

It sucks when people get into activities that are waiting to fuck up. An accident is usually associated to an unfortunate mishap. Who would expect for a motorcycle parked at the side of the street to be side swiped by an SUV? Who would foresee a commuter to be robbed of her personal belongings to the point of nearly stealing her life in the process? Who would ever imagine being involved in a crossfire on your way to work?

Events like these take place without one’s expectation. However there are instances wherein such misfortunes occur through carelessness or plain ignorance. Nothing against these people, but there are times when accidents may be hopefully be avoided. Why park on a dim street? Why not let go of your personal belongings? Why not hide? Why not take precaution?

Then again, there are accidents which may deem as fortunate. Who would not welcome winning the lottery? Who would not appreciate meeting an old friend by chance in the mall?

On the other hand, there is a certain incident may possibly be fortunate and unfortunate at the same time – like getting pregnant. But is getting pregnant considered a legit accident? Well, maybe due to the fortuitous circumstance that something broke. Nonetheless, would you have sex with someone you do not care and love? So why involve in such activity if you are not ready to standup for the consequences?

Malas

Last time I felt so unlucky. Each effort seemed to worsen every time. It would not have been that bad if I only missed 95% of my attempts but I totally missed a whole lot -- as in AIR BALL! How despicable can my shooting get?

Then again, there are days when the hole seems so small. This was not the first time. So I just tried and tried and hoped to succeed. However, in my case, I died trying to escape from my horrid night. Things were not that bad. In the end, we won despite my lack of contribution from the offensive side.

On Doing What You Love To Do

Everyday when I wake up, I look in the mirror and ask myself; if this were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do? If the answer has been no for too many days in a row. Something definitely has to change.

All external expectation, all pride, all fear of failure or embarrassment fall away in the face of death, leaving only what's truly important

One should never be caught into living life according to the dogma of other people's thinking, drowning out their own voice inside.

- Steve Jobs

Ang Pag-aaral

Tungkol sa Pag-aaral ayon ay Bob Ong:

"Mag-aral maigi. Kung titigil ka sa pag-aaral, manghihinayang ka pagtanda mo dahil hindi mo naranasan ang kakaibang ligayang dulot ng mga araw na walang pasok o suspendido ang klase o absent ang teacher. (Haaay, sarap!)."

"Nalaman kong marami palang libreng lecture sa mundo, ikaw ang gagawa ng syllabus. Maraming teacher sa labas ng eskuwelahan, desisyon mo kung kanino ka magpapaturo. Lahat tayo enrolled ngayon sa isang university, maraming subject na mahirap, pero dahil libre, ikaw ang talo kung nag-drop ka. Isa-isa tayong ga-graduate, iba't-ibang paraan. tanging diploma ay ang mga alaala ng kung ano mang tulong o pagmamahal ang iniwan natin sa mundong pinangarap nating baguhin minsan..."

"Hikayatin mo lahat ng kakilala mo na magkaroon ng kahit isa man lang paboritong libro sa buhay nila. Dahil wala nang mas kawawa pa sa mga taong literado pero hindi nagbabasa."

"dalawang dekada ka lang mag-aaral. kung 'di mo pagtityagaan, limang dekada ng kahirapan ang kapalit. sobrang lugi. kung alam lang 'yan ng mga kabataan, sa pananaw ko ehh walang gugustuhing umiwas sa eskwela."

Ang Buhay

Tungkol sa Buhay ayon kay Bob Ong:

"Ayokong nasasanay sa mga bagay na pwede namang wala sa buhay ko."

"nalaman kong hindi final exam ang passing rate ng buhay. hindi ito multiple choice, identification, true or false, enumeration or fill-in-the- blanks na sinasagutan kundi essay na isinusulat araw-araw. Huhusgahan ito hindi base sa kung tama o mali ang sagot, kundi base sa kung may kabuluhan ang mga isinulat o wala. Allowed ang erasures."

"Kumain ka na ng siopao na may palamang pusa o maglakad sa bubog nang nakayapak, pero wag na wag kang susubok mag-drugs. Kung hindi mo kayang umiwas, humingi ka ng tulong sa mga magulang mo dahil alam nila kung saan ang mga murang supplier at hindi ka nila iisahan."

"Mangarap ka at abutin mo. Wag mong sisihin ang sira mong pamilya, palpak mong syota, pilay mong tuta, o mga lumilipad na ipis. Kung may pagkukulang sa'yo mga magulang mo, pwde kang manisi at maging rebelde. Tumigil ka sa pag-aaral, mag-asawa ka, mag-drugs ka, magpakulay ka ng buhok sa kili-kili. Sa banding huli, ikaw din ang biktima. Rebeldeng walang napatunayan at bait sa sarili."

"Tuparin ang mga pangarap. Obligasyon mo yan sa sarili mo. Kung gusto mo mang kumain ng balde-baldeng lupa para malagay ka sa Guinness Book of World Records at maipagmalaki ng bansa natin, sige lang. Nosi balasi. wag mong pansinin ang sasabihin ng mga taong susubok humarang sa'yo. Kung hindi nagsumikap ang mga scientist noon, hindi pa rin tayo dapat nakatira sa jupiter ngayon. Pero hindi pa rin naman talaga tayo nakatira sa jupiter dahil nga hindi nagsumikap ang mga scientist noon. Kita mo yung moral lesson?"

"Nalaman kong habang lumalaki ka, maraming beses kang madadapa. Bumangon ka man ulit o hindi, magpapatuloy ang buhay, iikot ang mundo, at mauubos ang oras."