If

... he is not as macho at present would I even care? ... I did not neglect and snob him would our friendship deepened? ... he did not leave, would our situation be any different? ... I did give my sweet yes would our relationship lasted? ... he know these thoughts would it even matter? ... we finally see each other, would there be a future waiting for us?

Anniversary Bang

Happy anniversary to my knee. A year has passed since that life changing event. Despite the time that has elapsed I do not feel 100%. I can run but not accelerate into a sprint. I can jump but not leap. Physically I know I need to strengthen myself in order to get back in shape. My Rehab and Orthopedic doctors gave me their clearance months ago. It is all up to me to get my healthy lifestyle back. However, I use work as an excuse for eating my time. Am I afraid that I wont get back my old form?

In basketball, I am not the best offensive player. I am weak and small so it is a disadvantage for me to rough it up in the shaded area. My outside shooting percentage is not accurate too. My dribbling and passing needs work as well. I could say that my bread and butter is defense. I could hound the ball handler anytime. I could swipe the ball while the opponent goes for a break away layup. I could sacrifice my body to get a charge. I could block the bigs from the blindside.

In ultimate, my throws badly needs improvement. I only know flick and backhand. In addition, I get rattled especially when I am marked and throw Hail Mary passes. I could play mid but I need to work on the timing of my cuts. I could play long and catch those huck throws like a dog. But just like in basketball, I live in defense specifically in zone.

However, with my not fully healed knee how could I do all those things that I mentioned? It is very frustrating indeed. Yet, I have to start somewhere in order to move forward. And what great way to honor my comeback through playing in my first ever international tournament!

I joined a team which was only formed for the tournament. Lacing up my cleats and stepping on the field gave me butterflies again for I know physically I am not 100%. All that aside, I could not ask for a better first experience. I really learned tons of stuff and met new people from various parts of Asia.

It was truly a great honor to play in team who really loves the game and with excellent spirit. Though it still pains me to think that we lost by Universal, as a first timer reaching the finals was a bonus. It may appear as a failure of not winning the championship. Yet, it is just a lost game, not heart. Now I am one step closer to getting my mojo back to success.

On Relationships

I haven't been in a serious relationship for the longest time. Also I wouldn't consider my past one as real one even if we lasted more than a year because when I look back at that event in my life it was not serious. I was a kid and so was he thus it was merely puppy love.

There were instances when people thought I was in a relationship but to be honest it never reached that point. A couple of guys showed their interest and intention but there was no commitment involved in my end. Timing was not right for Mr. Miles Away. Agent Orange lacked the characteristics to sweep me of my feet. Refinite was too trying hard. Futbolero was a player. There was no The One. Then again maybe I am just choosy.

Should the drought of the male species be a cause of an alarm? My mom gave the go signal to pair me with a brave Singaporean. My younger brother spilled his bottle of beer when he found out that I had a boylet. My aunt interrogated me at our recent family reunion. And the list continues.

I know it has been a decade or so. Is it time to panic? No. In God's time when God's best is ready and when I am ready to be his God's best. But I pray and hope that it would be soon cause... I am ready for you... My One and Only. <3

On Pagod

Every single freaking day is a struggle. Sleep is prolonged due to the agony of another work day. Feet are dragged daily towards the office. Deep breaths are taken upon entering the prison.

Maybe I need a break. Maybe I am just burned out. But what use will a vacation do if when I get back I will face the same shit?

I do not want to throw the white flag. But I cannot seem to see the light at the end of the long and winding tunnel.

Nakakapagod
Ano nga ba ang tama?
Ano ang dapat?

Day 1 of 21 in Exile

I ran out of excuses and options and now I am in exile. That is the fact. So instead of being negative, might as well embrace the situation for time does not and shall never equal experience.

So how was Day 1?

First day was a day of firsts. It was my first time to take a dump on air. My first time to live on my own. My first time to eat in a restaurant wherein everything serve was bathed in chilli.

Through these experiences I've learned that despite the circumstances when one has to go one has to go. No questions asked. Moreover, given the situation, one will make do with what is given in order to survive.

Cheers to more firsts!

- - - -

Ito nanaman
Ang aking pakiramdam
Muling nahulog

'Di na natuto
Tibok ng puso ikaw
Ang tinatawag

On Heartbeat

My heart skipped a beat
'Pon reading the simple words
***, kamusta ka?

You know that feeling when you finally found someone you want to kiss and not be able to do so?  That is exactly how I felt with matching heart racing sensations. Undeniable, the hopeless romantic in me has struck again.

Maybe things could have been different if I am where you are right now. I would not be writing this anymore. Instead I would be by your side in a heartbeat...

On 2.5

Mondays are for weigh-ins. This is meant to obviously monitor my weight and to see the effects of the weekend to my body. In the number of Mondays I have been checking my weight have been a steady 104. However, three weeks ago I gained 0.5. It did not bother me because it was only 0.5. It could be my clothes, shoes, girl thing, etc. But when I checked the week after I gained another pound! This alarmed me a bit because this might be the start of an upward trend. And I was correct, when I checked yesterday I gained another pound. That makes it 2.5 pounds in a span of 3 freaking weeks! Oh Eem Gee!

Then again this is expected. I have been a lazy ass. Due to the long hours at work I am lazy to take the extra effort to exercise or whatever to make myself feel a bit fit. This is also a fruit of having visiting relatives over. Hello weekend getaways and dining out galore.

Last time I suddenly put on weight was when I got back from my Euro trip. I guess vacation and relatives are some of the components for gaining a few pounds. Throw in long hours at work that make me lazy to workout which is bad.

Hello self. Please get yourself together. Putting on some pounds actually looks good on you. You actually look blooming. But it would be better if you are strong and fit as well --- not to go over 110 pounds!

---

Our eyes locked.
I looked away.
Is this infatuation?

On Habit

30 Jumping Jacks

5 Push Ups

25 High Knees

7 Semi Burpees

10 Crunches

7 Squats

5 Push Ups

10 Crunches

5 Push Ups

7 Squats

30 Jumping Jacks

1 Minute Struggling Wall Sit

5 Push Ups

25 High Knees

The list above is my first step back into fitness. I was able to accomplish one set and I was already sweating. It may not be a hardcore workout but I should give myself a pat on the back for translating into action the though of exercising.

Thank God I found the Motivation to get me started. Now if only I can find the Habit to keep me going. The challenge now is to followup this set with at least two sets tomorrow. Aja!

On Motivation

Oh Motivation, where are you? You will get workouts and plot what you aim to do but it ends there...as a thought. Too many excuses. No follow up nor action after to make a healthy habit. What a lazy ass you have there. It would be alright sana, but your tush ain't tight!

Then the visitors arrived. Hello eating and dining out galore! Healthy and unhealthy food are always present. You are munching every hour or so like there is no tomorrow. No wonder you gained 2.5 pounds in the span of 2 weeks! The lines in your hidden abs and your current profile picture in FB says it all. Wake up self, you are gaining weight without even noticing it.

No more excuses. You should get back to your so-called healthy lifestyle once the visitors leave. Note to yourself... you should not think about quitting, instead think why you started training.

Then again, why wait 'til the visitors leave.. you should start today. Aja!

On Photographic Memory

I was inside the room researching for the telephone number of the resort we wanted to go to the next day. My 7-year old cousin went inside the room and looked at what I was doing. When I finally saw what I was searching for, I told my cousin here is the number --- xxx-xxxx and asked him to please go outside to tell our Tita. He stood up and made his way out. Before he reached the door I verified with him if he got the correct number. I was surprised that he recited it with conviction as if he memorized it with his whole heart. No need for a pen and paper or a cellphone. What a genius!

On Pag-asa

A month has passed by and my toenail has not resurrected from purgatory yet. So I decided to go to the parlor to have my feet pampered. When the lady saw my dead nail she inspected it. So I asked her, "Ate, mabubuhay pa yan?" and she replied, "Habang may buhay, may pag-asa". She has a point, as long as we are breathing there is hope and life. Ang kulit lang.

On Bilog Ang Mundo

Sa mundong bilog, maghihiwalay palayo sa isa’t isa at magsisikap umabot sa pinakamalayo nating maaabot. At dahil bilog nga ang mundo, magkakasalubong muli tayo kung hindi tayo titigil sa pagusad.

On Smile

Note to self. Be thankful that you have a decent job. A job that pays good clean money even if each freaking day seems senseless and there is no light at the end of the tunnel. Be grateful that you belong to a high earning project which brings in millions of dollars.

Inhale and exhale.
Everything will be alright.
When in doubt, just smile.
:)

On Lamon Weekend

Friday night was for Elias. Mom bought a voucher and it was about to expire. It was my first time to try that Pinoy restaurant. It was like Kanin Club but more pricey. We got aligue rice, crispy pata, pork sisig, pork sinigang, laing pizza and pakbet --- Hello calories! It was delicious and better or less sinful than Kanin Club. After dinner we walked around para bumaba yung kinain. But reality we were searching for dessert para maiba ang lasa. We ended up in Jamba Juice para feeling healthy kuno. Another first experience for me. Their drinks are kinda pricy but it was worth it cause it was think and heavy. Hirap ubusin. No preservatives.

Next day was for Binondo! Finally! IT was nice meeting Manosa, Fried Siopao and Wa Ying! No real dinner for me that night. Banana and noodles nalang.

Father's day Sunday lunch was for Sambokojin. I started eating at 10ish and ended at around 130! Just making sulit the buffet. Sashimi, uni, tempura and beef ihaw-ihaw FTW! Despite stuffing all that I got hungry come dinner time. Got Whami Burger with cheese and J Co. doughnut for dessert to satisfy my hunger.

Now I am so full! Sana lumabas na kayo. Mahirap na kung bukas pa sa office. :)

On Embarrassment

Setting: In a restaurant with relatives from my dad's side and the family of kuya's wife

Me talking to my 6 year old pamangkin: Go talk to them -- them referring to pamangkins from kuya's wife.
My 6 year old pamangkin: You know there is such a thing called as embarrassment!
Me:  *jaw drop*

Kids of today! She could have said, "I'm shy.", diba?
:)

On Thankful

Don’t you just hate pahabols? When you are about to leave tas bigla mayroon papagawa? Nice timing, diba? Especially since it is Friday and tamaditis mode is switched on already. But as a professional, I had to suck it up and act accordingly. Instead of ranting I should be grateful instead that I have a decent job that pays well. In addition, I got a CFA. Even if pampalubag loob I am thankful nonetheless.

On Memory of Lola

Seated on your throne

you finished your novenas

every single day

733 days

yet the image is still fresh

I miss you mucho!

Thank you for everything. You are always remembered. See you up there.

On Timing

I have been waiting for you for 2 weeks and you arrived now when I am about to leave for another adventure. What a wonderful timing! Maybe the theory is right that when you are always with someone then your cycles tend to be near each other. What a time to be a girl!

On Positivity

I should be happy
Even if the cause of your
Happiness ain't me.

Like what you mentioned
Things happen for a reason
Though it hurts like hell.

Happy thoughts in mind
In due time the One will come
In God's time maybe.

On CatDog

To dearest CatDog,
Enlighten me how you poop
I badly need help

Monday won't get out
Now it goes on its own will
From a curious fan.

On Game Over

I guess this is it
You guys crossed each other's paths
Unexpectedly

Nothing I can do
But to continue living
A life without you.

On Reality

Ahh reality
Slowly you are crushing me
Oh well, that is life.

On Mr Miles Away

When I think of you
A shiver goes down my spine
When I think of you
I feel our souls intertwine

When I think of you
I wish we are together
When I think of you
I know my love will last forever

When I think of you
I wish I could give you a passionate kiss
When I think of you
My heart is filled with happiness

When I think of you
I feel my emotions flow
How I think of you
I only hope that you know

On May 15, 1995 Entry

Plenty of people are playing with us again. You know I'm gonna miss this place. Why? Because the air is fresh, the stuff is cheap and my grandmother loves me.

Such a simple entry that brought back memories from my childhood. The entry above was written after the fiesta. When I was younger I always went to the province for the feast of the Santa Cruzan. After the novena we usually played with the other kids. Patintero and Monkey Monkey were the common games. Since the feast was finished it meant summer vacation was almost over and it also meant that the time to go back to Manila was around the corner.

I miss how every summer we had a mini reunion. People from Davao and Manila traveled to Cebu for the fiesta. Despite how many we were everything was always prepared upon our arrival from the towels to the choice of soap. All these was made possible because of Lola. I knew what love is through her and her simple act of kindness. I miss you Lola.

On Writing

Huwow! I started writing at a young age. Reading what I wrote made me laugh. Nakakatuwa the things I was occupied with. Mostly I wrote stuff I did during the day and what I was looking forward to the next day or week. In fairness, I was a dedicated writer. I rarely skipped a day and whenever I did mayroon pa akong sorry nalalaman.

My style of writing was not spectacular but after 10 years those simple sentences made me smile. Those 3 diaries showed my progress over the decade may it be in writing or in the occurrences I experienced during my childhood. Those 3-5 sentences I scribbled each day inspired me to write again, thus this entry. I realized that writing need not be intellectual or witty. The important thing was I got to express and share whatever I wanted.

Cheer to writing!

On Fourth Month and A Week

Knee is great! I was able to do activities normal people do. I was able to keep up with people while malling or simply walking around. I was able to run unintentionally when I went after the bus. I was able to swim with the butanding. Great improvement!

People already forgot that I underwent a surgery when they treat me which is good. But still no sports yet. No basketball and ultimate. :(

I need to continue my workout and build confidence. No excuses just because I am mobile already. I need to consult my rehab doctor and get new exercises. Hopefully I get a new program with jumping and running involved.

Note to self: I am strong. Welcome the challenges. Believe in myself. I can do anything. This to shall pass. :)

On Brownies

Today was the baby shower for Kuya and his wife. There was a pastry corner care of the mom of kuya's wife. It featured red velvet cupcakes with a pregnant topper, soft yema balls and  chocolate brownies. My aunt asked to get dessert for her so I got 2 yema balls and 2 brownies. She ate the yema balls and liked its taste and soft texture. I did not know that she was not allowed to eat the brownies due to health reasons. So I ate them. It was too sweet for my taste buds.

No wonder why my taste buds reacted that way. Brownies = chocolates! And I haven't eaten nor drank any form of chocolate for 32 days! Crap. It totally slipped my mind. Only a week left before Easter and then this. :( It was unintentional, but still.... :(

Oh well towel. Whats done is done. I will still continue to abstain from chocolates til lent and pray the rosary (without sleeping) as an alternate for eating chocolate.

Seven more days and I can try out this Magnum that everyone is raving about.

On Missing

CHOCOLATES and FB!

Chocolates are starting to call me. Andes here. Magnum and Cornetto in the freezer.

WAAAAAH!

On Showbiz

One day girl stormed in guy's condo. The “caretaker” told her that Sir was not around. But girl insisted that Sir was there because his car was parked outside. The “caretaker” made an alibi that he was the one who drove the car but to no avail and girl forced herself inside the condo. When she opened the bedroom, she caught her boyfriend doing it with another guy. All the “caretaker” could say was “sinabi ko na sa inyo ma'am e.”

Poor girl. She loved someone who is gay. She caught him 8 times yet she accepted him thinking that she could change him. The farthest they went was a kiss on the cheek. Guy just smiled on the issue while girl cried her eyes off. The guy is just lucky cause he is such a pretty hunk. Fans adore Papa and his fellow co-workers and management cover his true colors.

Bottom line is, one cannot force love.

On Star Studded

First is neighbor, the injured captain of the Azkals. Boy, ain't he towering! Nursery bff has really grown. I feel for him. While his team is competing in the challenge cup he is stuck recovering from his knee injury. In due time Capt. Just a couple more months you will be back on the pitch.

Second person is truly a hunk. When I saw his back I was undeniably certain it was him. With that height and machismo, palibhasa lalake talaga. Mom who does not like him instantly changed her view towards him when she saw the moreno hunk.

Last was the vain athlete. Such a pretty boy in a clean white polo shirt. But his confidence is too huge for me to handle. As if I will go after him. I will be a cradle snatcher if I do. Lol.

So what was the homily all about?  FML

On Facebook

How come when you try not to think of something you notice it more?

As part of my Lenten sacrifice 2012 I decided not to access Facebook. This is actually long overdue. Lessening time over this social media is part of my NYR 2012. This remained a goal until the start of this Lenten season when I finally did something about it.

Years ago, Facebook was not around. Now it seems like I am missing many things. Details of meet-ups, birthdays and other events are now sent through this site. What is going on in my family, relatives and friends minds are also shown there. I feel out of the loop not being “informed”.

Then again, I know people who does not have an account. There are are also people who has an account but only open it from time to time. These people do not feel that they are missing out on anything.

I guess it is a matter of perspective. Are the latest happenings that important to know? If they want me involved there are other methods to get in touch with me. On the good side, I have time to be so-called productive. I hope that when Lent is over things will not go back to the way it used to be.

On Third Monthsary

I just got back from my rehab doctor. Knee is better. Flexion is 130-145 which is normal to the general public. Muscles are gradually loosening and strength is slowly getting there. The thing that bothers me is there is some lag and I cannot seem to 100% lock my knee. This affects the manner I walk. But it is bearable. I can walk around without any help. I just get tired after an hour or two due to lack of endurance.

The important thing is there is improvement each day. The question is how fast my progress will be. I wanna gain back my confidence. I wanna stutter step, hop and jog properly. I cannot wait go back to my sporty lifestyle! Well, not really. I cannot wait for the day when I can move freely without taking my knee into consideration.

When will that day come? Patience. Like what I said before, don't count the days, Katitay. Instead make each day count.

On Chocolate Challenge

I decided to give up chocolates for 40 days. I am in the middle of day 1 and temptation is already knocking at my door. For the longest time I have been planning to go to COMFOODS to get snacks for my family. Of all days to materialize that plan it had to be today when my officemate asked me if I wanted to accompany him.

COMFOODS is the home of choco polvoron, choco mallows, curly tops, flat tops and the like. Enough said. Just by the mere thought of those sweets make my mouth water.

Oh temptation! No sacrifice is easy. Giving up chocolates would not be considered as a sacrifice if I do not enjoy them. Hopefully as the days progress it would be easier to control my desire. I need to keep in mind the reason why I am doing this. Now is not the time to give up. Chocolates are just tangible materials. Focus. I can do this with Your guidance.

                                                                                                                                       

On Lent 2012

Today marks the Lenten season. For the next 40 days I will give up:  

1.  FB - "Facebook is a social utility that connects you with the people around you”. Now, it is faster to stalk people. Kidding aside. FB makes it easier to communicate and keep in touch with people from all over the globe. It also keeps me updated with the latest trends and what-nots. With all the information it contains, “nonsense” stuff consumes a huge amount of time. So starting today, instead of immersing my time with senseless things, I will allot more time communicating with Kuya Jess and sleep earlier.
2. Soda - To start off, I am not a huge soda fan. But there are food that goes real well with it. Value/Combo meals go with soda and additional charges apply to have the drink upgrade to juice. Now I have to make a constant effort to take water instead.
3. Chocolates - Chocolates are one of my guilty pleasures. Once I start, it is difficult to stop. When I feel down, eating chocolates make me a tad bit better. Now I need to find an alternative to overcome low moments.

These things are just material. Years ago FB did not exist. Soda and Chocolates are things of pleasure.  I just need to discipline myself and make a conscious effort to give up these three things. Ah, I know, it is easier said than done. Good luck to me!

On Life Without IT

My June 11 incident was a huge turning point in my life. In my almost 3 decades of existence, IT had been a huge part in my way of life. Patintero, piko, 10-20, land-water-air and agawan base were my recess during my elementary years. Eventually, basketball, badminton and table tennis became my lunch and my snacks. Basically, I sleep and breathe IT.

Despite other worldly obligations I made ways to attend to this yearning. There was something about IT that made my body long for more. Even if my body is ached I shrugged it off and continue. Then on one dreadful Saturday it appeared that my body took so much punishment and my knee told me to have a break.

Yet, being me, I tested my knee for another tournament. Success rate was obviously not met that led to frustration. I was able to perform but in the level I know I could have if my body was ready. Opponents got the best of me. Due to my incapability to perform how I know I can, I made the decision to take a rest to attend to my body.

Dark ages arrived. While my teammates and friends sweated it out, I was stuck at home resting or at rehab. The feeling sucked big time. But eventually I got used to living without IT. At least I did not have to experience the agony of defeat.

But is it worth living a life without undergoing the whole process of preparation, anxiety and the highs and lows IT brings?